Post Hiatus: Dear Future Me.

By 20:42

Every single day, I've woken up feeling like absolute shit. Whether it's the weekdays where I wake up from a long night of studying, or weekdays when I oversleep and still have a pounding headache. Piles and piles of duties keep stacking up- from major assessments, to the pesky homework and obligated study routines. Even my cleaning session is all over the place, you know shit hits the fan when your room looks like a farmhouse and your desk looks like a pig sty. Blogging has become non-existent these past few weeks, the only ideas that come to mind are parallels between Renaissance poetry and John Donne himself.

I shouldn’t even be writing this. I’ve got a Textiles Exam in four days, and an English Exam four days after that. Homework is nothing but an optional choice nowadays and keeping up with notes? Haha- what a joke. Exams are the only focus on my mind, and with this being my final year in high school- I feel obligated to make this year work.

I’ve hung out much less. Socialising is now a mere burden, and handling drama is just too much to deal with. All my free (ahem I meant study) periods are synonymous with studying. Bag down, books out, pens in hand, focused.

Nowadays I’m not so sure what to do anymore. What makes me happy?

We’re currently studying the Romantic Era- a time in which people no longer cared to draw reason out from ideas to understand the world in which they lived in. Individuality and personal intense feelings guided these people; imagination seemed to coexist with the physical world. Fulfilment was personified not in ‘providing service to the community’, but individual fulfilment, like love and faith- through nature.  It was a fascinating time, what a wonderful way to live- in which you’re guided by your own individual fulfilment!

It leaves me to question however, the particulars of my situation. Where is my source of individual fulfilment? All I know is I was thrown into this role of being a student. Studying hard seems to parallel with the concept of success.

If you study hard, you’ll get into a great university, get a job, and get married. Life will be sorted out for you.

But what if I don’t want to live in that linear way? I don’t know what my future holds, and for some reason I’m not satisfied with the usual response of “Study hard and life will be better”. What if it doesn’t get better? All these years I’ve always though studying would be my source of individual fulfilment- a lifestyle. But now I’m not so sure. I don’t exactly know what true inner fulfilment is or what my future holds, but if you do know it, please respond future me.

*Note: I have been trying to conjure up a few fashion posts but please give me time, I haven’t had the chance to focus on writing about fashion or anything in depth just yet. By the way: Selena Gomez slays Paris Fashion Week!*

Have a great week everyone :)

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